Accepting Help

I only had to be alone with Bebe for three days. It seemed like a daunting task, but I just kept telling myself, 'Only 72 hours and my mother-in-law will be here.','Only 48 hours.','Just 24 hours.' Soon the time had come. Grandma A. was there. Things were a little different with Grandma A. I wasn't able to ask her to do things for me. I think she would have done anything I asked, but I couldn't bring myself to ask her for help. I felt kind of like she was bored and I should try to entertain her, but really the most entertaining part of my week was a trip to the doctors office. She came with me. I thought it might be a good idea for her to know how to get to the doctors office since we had been spending so much time there. As I was receiving my biweekly lecture about how I needed to feed her more. I felt like she was thinking that Bebe was just fine, and that bringing her to the doctor two or three times a week was really silly, but she was polite enough to humor me and the nurses. We weighed her and she had only gained about a half ounce since her last appointment. She was getting a little closer to the seven pound mark, but our goal was her birth weight. We were headed for the 7'10" mark, and it seemed to be so far out of reach. When we left my mother-in-law told me that she thought that Bebe was just fine, and nothing was wrong with her, she then called her daughter, and asked if her children had lost weight after birth. Then she called her daughter-in-law and asked her the same question. Then she said that all of the grandchildren had lost weight right after birth. I said that most children do. I explained that the fact she had lost weight was not the problem. The problem was the amount of weight she had lost. She had lost more than 10% of her original weight, and for someone who only weighs 7'10" that is a lot of weight.
It was very nice to have someone there to give Bebe her supplement while I pumped. Feeding Bebe was really a two person job. I was very spoiled, and very lucky to have people who were willing to help me out like this.
We did have one little snag. I was so tired, and my mother-in-law told me to go take a nap, and she would take care of the baby. I said that I would set my alarm to wake me in about an hour, but I asked that if I wasn't up in an hour and ten minutes if she could come and wake me up. She and my agreed. I had been having a little pain that day so I took one of my pain pills. I have always been somewhat afraid of taking pills. I even shy away from Tylenol unless I have a very bad headache. I felt that I needed one, and since I wasn't alone with the baby I felt it would be alright. I took the pill and fell asleep I was truly exhausted. As I was sleeping I had a terrible dream. I was falling into a black tunnel, and I was trying to get out and grab Bebe. In the dream she was hungry, and I was the only one who could feed her. I could not stop myself from falling, and I could not wake up. I know it doesn't sound so bad, but it was the most frightening dream I have ever had. Even worse than the one I had at the age of three, when a giant stole my mother, killed her, and ground her bones to make his bread. When I finally pulled myself out of this terrible dream the nightmare continued. I had been sleeping for four hours! This meant that I had slept through an entire feeding! I was about to sleep through another one. I didn't hear Bebe cry so I thought she had slept through a feeding too. I was livid. I kept quiet, because when someone is helping you out you don't throw a fit when they don't do things to your exact specifications. I grabbed Bebe and took her into her bedroom and fed her. I was so irritated. Bebe's feeding schedule all messed up, and now I would have to do the entire routine at that terrible 2 or 4 A.M. feeding. Later that night my while I was complaining to my husband about this he explained that he had asked his mother to make sure I slept, and he had told her to feed Bebe, and let me sleep. He told me that he knew I needed help, and he also knew I would not ask his mother to help me at night so I would need more rest during the day. I was so glad I didn't say anything stupid before I knew all the facts.
Oh, one more bit of information, after that terrible dream, I flushed the rest of my pain medication right down the toilet. Although I think of medicine is a miracle, I knew that I didn't really need it anymore, and further use of it might be a very bad idea. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

The Hazy Blur of Motherhood

The next few days flew by. We were consumed with the baby, and trying to feed her. Before I knew it an entire week had passed. It was Monday again, and my mother had to go home. She had to get back to her reality. Her husband and her job were waiting. On Monday afternoon she reluctantly left our home, and even though I had left her side many times in my life and never cried, looked back, or even gave it much thought. I didn't want her to leave. I cried. Then she cried. I didn't think I could do it on my own. I managed to tell her this through my tears. She reassured me that I could do it on my own because I had to.
As she left I watched through the garage door. I stood there with Bebe in my arms and tears burning hot fresh tracks down my face. As soon as her car was out of site, I took Bebe back inside. I had about twenty minutes before she needed to eat again, so I put her down in her crib. I turned her monitor on, and grabbed the receiver, and went straight to the shower. I turned the water up as hot as I could bear it, and I let myself cry. I let myself feel overwhelmed. I cried until I heard Bebe waking up. Then I pulled myself back together, and prepared myself for a marathon feeding session. This would be the first time I fed her all by myself.
I began feeding her on my right side for fifteen minutes, then on my left for another fifteen minutes. Then I gave her the two ounce supplement. It took her about thirty minutes to finish it. Then I had to lay her down to use the pump. This is were things began to get a little tricky. Bebe did not want me to put her down. She wanted to be held, and why not. She had been held or snuggled nonstop from the time she was born. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked I messed around for about ten minutes before I realized that I needed to pump if she was crying or not. I placed my screaming child in her crib, went into the kitchen and began to pump. As usual I got about an ounce of milk. I put the milk in the fridge, and went to rescue Bebe from the crib. I had been in the process of feeding her for about an hour and twenty minutes. We took a nap together for about an hour. Then I was able to sneak into the bathroom, get a snack and a drink, and it was time to start all over again.
This was our life. Aside from going to the doctor every other day which really messed up our feeding schedule. This was our new life.
The hardest part on my day without my mom there to help was that awful 2 A.M. feeding. It was the shortest feeding of the day because I was able to skip breast feeding and pumping. All I had to do was feed her the breast milk I had pumped for her during the day. The hardest part was getting up. Bebe didn't wake up in the night. I had to wake her, and It was terrible. I had to take off her pajamas, and change her diaper just to get her to open her eyes, then she would fall asleep again before I could get her diaper back on. This was something my mom had done for me while she stayed with us. I hadn't given her the six ounce bottle of breast milk until now. I was amazed. she drank the milk quickly. the whole six ounces was gone in about ten minutes. She really could drink fast when she wanted to, and after this six ounces was gone she seemed full, and very content. It was easy to see that she enjoyed the breast milk much more than the formula. I felt like she was probably getting about three ounces on each side when I would feed her. This made it worth the time spent, at least to me.