The Hazy Blur of Motherhood

The next few days flew by. We were consumed with the baby, and trying to feed her. Before I knew it an entire week had passed. It was Monday again, and my mother had to go home. She had to get back to her reality. Her husband and her job were waiting. On Monday afternoon she reluctantly left our home, and even though I had left her side many times in my life and never cried, looked back, or even gave it much thought. I didn't want her to leave. I cried. Then she cried. I didn't think I could do it on my own. I managed to tell her this through my tears. She reassured me that I could do it on my own because I had to.
As she left I watched through the garage door. I stood there with Bebe in my arms and tears burning hot fresh tracks down my face. As soon as her car was out of site, I took Bebe back inside. I had about twenty minutes before she needed to eat again, so I put her down in her crib. I turned her monitor on, and grabbed the receiver, and went straight to the shower. I turned the water up as hot as I could bear it, and I let myself cry. I let myself feel overwhelmed. I cried until I heard Bebe waking up. Then I pulled myself back together, and prepared myself for a marathon feeding session. This would be the first time I fed her all by myself.
I began feeding her on my right side for fifteen minutes, then on my left for another fifteen minutes. Then I gave her the two ounce supplement. It took her about thirty minutes to finish it. Then I had to lay her down to use the pump. This is were things began to get a little tricky. Bebe did not want me to put her down. She wanted to be held, and why not. She had been held or snuggled nonstop from the time she was born. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked I messed around for about ten minutes before I realized that I needed to pump if she was crying or not. I placed my screaming child in her crib, went into the kitchen and began to pump. As usual I got about an ounce of milk. I put the milk in the fridge, and went to rescue Bebe from the crib. I had been in the process of feeding her for about an hour and twenty minutes. We took a nap together for about an hour. Then I was able to sneak into the bathroom, get a snack and a drink, and it was time to start all over again.
This was our life. Aside from going to the doctor every other day which really messed up our feeding schedule. This was our new life.
The hardest part on my day without my mom there to help was that awful 2 A.M. feeding. It was the shortest feeding of the day because I was able to skip breast feeding and pumping. All I had to do was feed her the breast milk I had pumped for her during the day. The hardest part was getting up. Bebe didn't wake up in the night. I had to wake her, and It was terrible. I had to take off her pajamas, and change her diaper just to get her to open her eyes, then she would fall asleep again before I could get her diaper back on. This was something my mom had done for me while she stayed with us. I hadn't given her the six ounce bottle of breast milk until now. I was amazed. she drank the milk quickly. the whole six ounces was gone in about ten minutes. She really could drink fast when she wanted to, and after this six ounces was gone she seemed full, and very content. It was easy to see that she enjoyed the breast milk much more than the formula. I felt like she was probably getting about three ounces on each side when I would feed her. This made it worth the time spent, at least to me.