Quiet Time

The time went by quickly. That is to say except for the twenty minutes of terrible pain that came every two hours. It was clear to me that I was not toughening up as quickly as I had hoped. I am sure the nurses felt the same way, because I continued to bother them by asking for help every time I had to feed the baby. I continued to think that someone would say,"Hey, wait this isn't right let me help you." That didn't happen. My doctor came, and asked if we would be going home that day. I laughed and said no. I planned to stay until we got the breast feeding thing down. She breathed a sigh of relief, and said that she really felt that it was best especially for first time mothers to take their time, get the help they needed, and not rush right out the door.
My mother, and my husbands parents were at the hospital early that day. My husband had to work, so he was in and out. The hospital schedules two hours of quiet time for mothers and babies each day. There are to be no visitors, and really they prefer that the father, isn't there either. Quiet time started at 1:00 and was over at 3:00. My husband decided that rather than sit around silently he would spend some time with his father. Our mothers decided that they would go shopping together. I was all set.
Until this point Bebe had been silent. I was looking forward to having her all to myself. Everyone left. A nurse came into the room with magazines and snacks. As she left she closed the blinds, and turned down the lights. Bebe was in her bassinet quiet, but with eyes wide open. I settled in and began to eat my snack. As I took the first bite, the baby seemed to be watching me, and she let out a little squeal. How odd. I took another bite, and again Bebe cried out. I stopped what I was doing and picked her up thinking that she just wanted attention. I brought her back to the bed, and sat down with her. Then I grabbed my snack, and with every bite the baby became more irate. By the time I had finished my cookies Bebe was in full blown fit melt down mode. I didn't know what to do. I wanted her to be quiet. I felt like she would ruin quiet time for all the other mothers, and I didn't like the idea of everyone thinking, 'I really would have enjoyed my quiet time if the baby in the next room would have stopped screaming for a few minutes!' I began to walk around the room with her in my arms. This was no good, the screaming seemed to escalate. I sat in the rocking chair with her. Still she was not going to calm down. I had never been around babies this small, and my arsenal of ideas was quickly used up. I looked at the clock. Bebe had been screaming for an hour! Then I had one more thought, I began to sing in a small soft voice,
"Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
Though there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.
If you smile through your pain, and sorrow.
Smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining
through, for you.
So light up your face with gladness.
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear maybe ever so near.
That's the time when you keep on trying.
Smile what's the use of crying.
You'll see that life is still worth while.
If you just smile."
It worked. She was asleep. Now everyone could rest. I lay there thinking. Why was she so inconsolable. My milk hadn't come in yet. She was hungry. I know that it takes about forty-eight hours for most women to get their milk, and I know that all the books say that the baby isn't hungry until then, but I heard my baby crying, and that was one very painful cry. She was hungry. Then in the quiet I had an epiphany. Yes, I had called the nurses every time I had tried to breast feed, and yes, they had come into the room, and told me everything was alright, but I knew it wasn't. I knew it was seriously much too painful, and nothing was the way the books had said it would be. Yes, the nurses had looked, but they had not really stayed long enough to see what I was talking about. I had to appeal to a higher authority, and I had to do it quickly. As soon as quiet time was over. I was going to call the lactation consultant. She would be going home at five. My mind had been so cluttered that I had forgotten about her existence.
I took a little nap, and soon I heard voices in the hall. The visitors had been allowed to come back. My visitors were not there yet, and I thought I might have time to get help before they got back. This would be great, because it was something I would rather take care of in private. I called the nurses station, and asked them to send the lactation consultant. The the person I was talking to had no doubt helped me, because she said,"Are you sure? Because you already saw her yesterday, and she is very busy. I think you just need some more time to practice, and we would be happy to help you." I said no. We had already tried it that way, and I knew that things were not working they way they should, and they were not helping me. She said that the lactation consultant would be there as soon as she could.
In the mean time I met with a pediatrician who took the baby for some testing. When they brought her back the doctor stayed to tell me how she was doing. Everything seemed to be just fine, but she was slightly jaundiced, probably because my milk hadn't come in yet. I really liked this doctor, and asked if he was taking on new patients. He said that he was. He also said that most people saw his nurse practitioner, or physicians assistant, unless there was a real health problem. after he left I called and set up a well child visit with his nurse practitioner.
Soon my guests came back, and I was still waiting for the lactation consultant, and it was just my luck that she didn't come until I had a room full of people.
She was a large, loud woman, and when she entered the room she announced that all men needed to find something else to do because,"We have a little mama who needs help, and the breasts are coming out." Wow, right to the point. She said that she needed to check my breasts first. As she looked them over she had a very concerned look on her face. She said,"Oh Honey, you are really damaged. This isn't right at all!" Finally, I was right! But my happiness was short lived. She asked me, why I hadn't called the nursing staff for help. I lost it. Until this point I had had tears in my eyes on many occasions, but I only count it as crying if the tears spill out of my eyes, and this was a massive break down. I told her about all my troubles. I told her how I had called the nurses every time I tried to feed the baby. How I told them that it was much too painful. How they told me to toughen up, and rolled their eyes. She was shocked. She could not believe that anyone paying any attention at all would allow me to continue to put myself through this. She said that I was right to call her. She told me that the damage was so bad that if I was still interested in breast feeding I would have to use a breast guard until I was able to heal, and that I might have to wear it for the rest of my breast feeding life, because once introduced the baby and I would become reliant upon it.
She left to get one for me, and I was so embarrassed by the way I had broken down. My mother-in-law came over to the bed, and hugged me and said that she was so glad to see me cry. She had been worried that I hadn't done this yet. I said that I was always planning to cry, but just in the privacy of my own home, and I really didn't want to do it in front of a complete stranger.
In the hall I heard the lactation consultant talking to the nursing staff. It was very professional, but I knew that she was going to have words with them in private. Then she was back, and She helped me learn to use the breast guard. It worked! It was no longer painful, and I actually felt like I could do this, but I still didn't have any milk, and Bebe was getting very irritable. I asked it there was anything we could do she quickly brought her a supplement, and said that she would be much more agreeable if she had a two ounce supplement after each feeding until the milk came in. She told us that Bebe should drink it in five to ten minutes, and that if she didn't finish it in a half hour we would have to throw it away. She said that it really should be gone long before that. I started to feed her the bottle, and she wasn't very interested, and no she did not finish the bottle in thirty minutes. She was very sleepy, and only drank about half an ounce. I didn't know it at the time, but this was the beginning of a very ominous pattern.